“Fun fact about me: I’m depressed!” said no one ever while they were on a first date.
Sharing a mood disorder with someone you like isn’t the same as talking about your swing dancing hobby or your dream of having a pet chinchilla. Yes, it tells your partner more about who you are, but it can be scary to open up about a health struggle.
Being upfront is usually the way to go, though. Telling someone new about your depression can feel like a boulder being lifted off your shoulders. And it can be a good way to tell if said partner is potentially long-term material. (If they don’t seem supportive, it’s probably not gonna work out.)
But how do you start the conversation? There’s no one right way, of course, but seeing how other people do it might help. Here’s how four women with depression started the conversation with their partners.
“I started with one story at a time, then looped in my therapist.”
Jenna H. had struggled on and off with depression since she was a teenager. Six months into her relationship with her now-husband, it reared its head again. She knew she needed to be honest about how she was feeling, but she was scared. “I was nervous at first, wondering if he could handle my truth,” she says. The 29-year-old started by sharing stories from her past about her depression, one at a time. “Each time, he surprised me with his grace and ability to hold space for me,” she says.
Jenna went back to her long-time therapist to cope with her current depression, and decided to bring her partner to a session. Her therapist could help explain from a professional and scientific perspective what she was experiencing and how she could best be supported—and it worked.
“Together, the three of us bridged the gap between past and present, enabling my partner to see what was currently affecting me,” she says. “The biggest takeaway were the new tools we practice together. I’ll use code phrases like ‘I feel low today’ to spark a deeper conversation.”
“We were both looking for something serious, so I opened up right away.”
Vanessa B. had only known her now-husband for two weeks when she first mentioned her depression. Both had already been open about the fact that each was looking for a serious life partner, so for the 37-year-old, sharing her mood disorder seemed natural. “No one would hide their diabetes or a heart problem, so why would I hide this?” she says.
Vanessa recalls that she brought up her depression on Facetime, where she and her partner were talking about the future. (They were living in different countries at the time.) “We went through a pre-wedding checklist of things you should ask your partner before getting married. It had questions about savings, debt, and family history of illness,” she says. “I’ve never been ashamed of it. But I would have felt more vulnerable talking in person,” Still, he wasn’t swayed. “It was more or less ‘that’s okay, I’ll be there for you.’ He really is my knight in shining armor,” she says.
“He told me first.”
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Having grown up in a community where talking about depression was taboo, Kaylin S. wasn’t sure how to tell her partner about her mental health struggles. But within a month of their getting together, he broke the news that he struggled with depression and anxiety. That gave Kaylin the perfect opening to share about herself. “I know I was going to talk about my depression and anxiety, but I didn’t know how to bring it up,” says the 31-year-old. “I used his admission to segue into the fact that I also experienced similar issues.”
Once Kaylin started talking about her struggles, it was easy to keep going and share the details. “The words just spewed out of my mouth, and it was cathartic to have someone actually listen to my deepest emotions without judgment and with unconditional love,” she says. “He hugged me and let me cry on his shoulder.”
“He confronted me about it.”
Kelley B. completely lost interest in interacting with her husband when her depression hit. “I was weepy but at the same time unemotional. I didn’t want to have sex or be intimate on any level,” she says. “I completely shut down.” After nearly a year of not wanting to talk about her feelings, her husband finally confronted her. “He told me he was worried about me and that I needed to talk to someone. Anyone,” says the 36-year-old.
Kelley first opted to open up to her best friend, but then she and her husband also addressed her depression with a marriage counselor. Over time, that helped. “I don’t think I saw it while I was going through it, but I think he tried to make an effort to be more kind and understanding,” she says. “Looking back though now, I can.”
If you or a loved one is thinking about suicide, seek emergency medical attention or contact the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK.
*Not her real name
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