Dear Coleen
A few months ago, during a tough time in my marriage, I started getting close to a male friend.
We flirted a lot and hung out together after work, sharing the odd meal and we did kiss. However, we never slept together.
My husband and I were pretty distant from each other at the time. We’ve been married four years and hit problems about a year ago when he lost his job and couldn’t deal with it.
He’s employed again and things are steady, but I stupidly admitted what had gone on with my friend and now my husband won’t let me forget it.
He brings it up a lot, especially when we argue. I know it was wrong and I did betray him, even if it was mostly on an emotional level, but I don’t see how we can move on if he won’t give us a chance to do that.
I’ve admitted I was wrong and apologised, and I don’t see this friend any more. I know I hurt my husband and I want to make him happy and get the marriage back on track, but it’s a struggle. I’m actually starting to resent him and feel angry because he wasn’t there for me and that’s why I reached out to this other guy.
I don’t want to give up on us, but his attitude is seriously getting me down. Any ideas?
Coleen says
Yes, you shouldn’t have got close to this guy because you’re married and it was a betrayal – but if your husband has agreed to move on from it, then he can’t keep throwing it back in your face when he’s angry. He obviously feels things aren’t resolved – maybe he has lots of unanswered questions, but he needs to work through that stuff by talking and not by bottling it up and then expelling it all in anger.
The same goes for you – don’t allow that resentment to fester and explain why you got close to this other guy.
We’re all human and we can all make mistakes, especially when we’re feeling cut off and vulnerable, so your husband needs to accept that fact and, instead, talk about the factors that led to the distance between you in the first place.
Why was your marriage vulnerable to something like this happening? That’s what you have to find out and resolve. And if you can’t do that together, then relationship therapy would be a good idea, so you can explore all these issues in a safe environment.
Visit the British Association of Counselling & Psychotherapy at website bacp.co.uk to find a qualified psychotherapist in your area.
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