From job promotions and messy breakups to living out our best ‘rat girl summer’, true friends are there for us through thick and thin.
But perhaps you have that one friend who is always desperate to offload their problems onto you? The one who, every time you see them, has something new to complain about.
Of course, friendships are about give and take but this ‘trauma dumping’ has a knock-on effect. There’s only so much negativity a person can take, after all.
A good way of recognising this dynamic in your own friendships is to think about the radiator or drain analogy: does a friend make you feel warm and content? Or guzzle the energy out of you?
Experts stress that while it’s important to support friends, it’s also vital to spot when this draining behavior is becoming a pattern of your friendship – rather than your pal just going through a really terrible time.
So how can you indentify when a friend might be emotionally draining you every time you meet?
Counsellor Georgina Sturmer, from the Counselling Directory, says you might feel like you are being pulled into their life and that you need to be available to them 24/7.
She explains: ‘Maybe you’re worried about what might happen if you are unavailable, or if you say the “wrong thing”. You might feel overwhelmed, helpless, or guilty.’
Signs your friend might be emotionally draining you:
What are the signs your friend might be emotionally draining you ?
- You come away feeling exhausted, sad, anxious, angry, frustrated, guilty, resentment, or all of the above.
- Friendships that feel emotionally draining can also make us feel bad about ourselves sometimes and have a negative impact on our self esteem.
- The conversation and energy seems to be focused around them and it doesn’t feel like there is space for your problems, thoughts and feelings.
- You notice that you filter yourself or you can’t be yourself.
- You don’t feel ’seen’ or understood by that person.
- You question your own judgement, opinions and beliefs.
- You feel like you’re being taken advantage of.
- You feel like more is being asked of you than you can give.
- You don’t enjoy spending time with them and notice that the friendship is starting to feel like a chore.
- You stop holding them in positive regard. Friendships are not always about just having fun as life’s ups and downs can mean that we have to support each other sometimes but it should still feel like the friendship is worthwhile to you.
Counsellor Claire Black
You might also notice that the dynamic feels a bit ‘one-way’, adds Georgina.
She says: ‘Good friendship can mean dropping everything to support a friend in need. But it’s important to keep a watchful eye on what’s going on in the relationship.
‘If you have a sustained sense that you’re supporting someone who doesn’t support you back, then it’s worth reflecting on how that makes you feel.
‘You might notice that you’re neglecting your own self-care or relationships. Perhaps you’re distracted supporting your friend. Or maybe their situation leaves you feeling guilty if you spend time or energy looking after yourself.’
Sound familiar?
Experts share a few things to keep in mind if you want to maintain a friendship and look after your own mental health.
Monitor your personal boundaries
Take a moment to think about the time and energy that you’ve been offering, and whether you need to step back and put more of a boundary in place, Georgina explains.
She adds: ‘This might help you to feel less emotionally drained. It also sends a signal to your friend and reframes what you want that friendship to look like.’
This might involve limiting the amount of time you spent together or being clear with the friend about what you can and cannot offer.
Think about your own patterns of behaviour
Georgina says it’s important to think about whether you, generally, attract this kind of behaviour. This is to avoid it becoming a pattern and you ending up as the constant Agony Aunt of your friendship group, as a result.
She explains: ‘Do you often get pulled into this type of situation? Are you a “people pleaser” or a “rescuer”?
‘In counselling we can explore these patterns and where they come from.’
Don’t be afraid to say ’no’
Ultimately, your own wellbeing is the priority, says counsellor Claire Black.
She explains: ‘If a friendship is taking too much from you, it is OK to say “no” if something doesn’t feel right.
‘Saying “yes” to something we will struggle to commit to ultimately means we are saying “no” to something else in our lives.’
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