The past two weeks I’ve been having a bad time.
I’ve been in a funk, you might say. I’m down in the dumps. It’s a case of the mondays, but every day. I’m having a severe depressive episode with suicidal ideation, if you want to get into mental health diagnoses.
As someone with depression and OCD, this happens sometimes. It’s normal, and it’s a reminder that just because I have a good day and my medication seems to be doing the trick, it doesn’t mean my mental illness is cured.
But this particular low spell has been especially tricky to get out of, because my usual trick of rationalising clearly illogical depressive thoughts doesn’t work when, well, they’re accurate.
My main cycle of miserable, tear-inducing thoughts in this particular bad spell has been variations of this: ‘Everything I do is pointless because whatever good I do in the world, people will still die and the world is still shit. I’m probably contributing more bad to the world than good and I should either go hide in a hole forever or just waddle off this mortal realm entirely.’
Now, if you’ve been in CBT or any other sort of therapy, you’ll know that a key part of dealing with intrusive thoughts like these is providing counter-evidence.
So you think all your friends hate you? What evidence do you have to prove that? None? Okay, so your friends probably don’t hate you and that’s just the depression or anxiety talking. That sort of thing.
We’re in a sorry state of affairs, and the thought patterns that would usually be categorised as mentally ill catastrophising are suddenly valid.
Applying this tactic to my current thoughts is tricky because all the evidence to prove my thoughts is there – I just have to gesture at the general state of the earth and people will go ‘ah, yeah, you’re right, the world is shit.’
The political leaders of the UK and US are both embarrassing and highly dangerous fools. Children are being separated from their parents and put in cages. Homelessness in the UK has hit a record high. We’re in a climate change crisis and the world we inhabit is burning to a crisp.
We’re in a sorry state of affairs, and the thought patterns that would usually be categorised as mentally ill catastrophising are suddenly valid.
The depressed part of my brain has a simple response: just give up. It’s all pointless.
Thankfully, I’m able to ask for help, or for someone to say ‘that particular response is total nonsense, please stick around and keep doing what you’re doing’.
But once you’ve realised giving up entirely isn’t an option, what next? How do you stop yourself sinking into a perfectly logical pit of despair?
It sounds counterintuitive, but the first step is understanding that you are not the most important, all powerful person in the world.
You are one individual in a rising sea of billions. You alone cannot figure out the meaning of life, remove political power from buffoons, ensure every human in the world has food and shelter, stop people from dying, and save the planet from impending destruction.
That might be hard to come to terms with, but it’s the truth. You are one person and you may need to readjust your goals.
But that doesn’t mean your life is pointless. That doesn’t mean you can’t get anything done.
While you can’t save the world alone, you can make a difference. And if lots of us try our best to do some good, we can actually work towards solving all those problems you’re panicking about.
So the answer isn’t giving up because you can’t do it all, but changing the goal posts so you can actually see them if you squint.
No, you probably can’t end worldwide homelessness, but you can help one person find a home. You can volunteer for a shelter. You can create petitions, protest, and demand poltical action.
You can’t put an end to climate change solo, no matter how many plastic straws you avoid. But you can call on major polluters to change their ways. You can clear plastic from your closest body of water and make your corner of the planet as green and eco-friendly as possible.
You are making a change, and it’s deeply unfair to apply those all or nothing parameters to the good you do. You don’t have to change everything – do what you can and be proud if it helps to improve things, even if that’s in a way that seems teeny-tiny.
Everyone has a part to play in getting the world back into shape. You do your bit and know that that’s ‘enough’.
But you also have to give yourself a break.
While the answer to the world being a terrible place definitely isn’t burying our heads in the sand and declaring everything is fine, it’s also not especially helpful to ruminate on the bad stuff so obsessively that you’re curled up in a ball crying for hours a day (and by you, yes, I do mean me).
You can’t do your little bit to make things better if you’re feeling awful, and the same way you can’t give yourself the pressure of sorting everything out, you can’t portion all the world’s guilt onto your lone shoulders.
The golden ticket is hope and the knowledge that change is possible. Things have been different before, they will be again, and they could get better.
You’re not the only one feeling this way and itching to make things right, and while you might be out for the count for a little while, everyone else on the same mission can pick up the slack. You focus on looking after yourself until you’re stable again, so then you can do enough good for your comrades now in their slump.
Humanity is a magical system, really. We’re all doing the best we can, and if you’re even thinking about the impact you can have while you’re around, you’re probably on the right track.
Remember that other people are doing the same, and that not being all powerful doesn’t mean you’re powerless.
Do as much good as you can. Answer your depression’s calls to stay in bed by doing stuff that makes things better. And when it’s overwhelming, give yourself permission to shut out all the terrible reality for a bit and get far too invested in Love Island.
You’re doing great.
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